There is a stranger person in my roommates bed...
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
craigslist faux pas number 857, just got head in a disability bus.
I literally stabbed myself so I had a valid reason to get out of having sex with her
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.
It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
Should I be scared that after we hooked up she took antibiotics with Sailor Jerry's?!
He slapped my ass... He best ask me out. Or figure out how to unslap my ass.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
