if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
maybe volvos are so family friendly and safe because they're extremely uncomfortable to get fucked on.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Any chance you used one if the curtain rods in the fireplace room as a sword? One is missing
I wanted him to come me this time. So I told him last time I was in the city I hit a lady on the head with an inflatable Santa Claus and just found out that the restraining order she requested against me was granted. We never hung out.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I didn't realize how much I relied on you for a reason to drink on tuesday
True I am eskimo brothers with every one of my room mates, but it was only two girls. And 9 outta 10 times I was first
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
You were filing your nipples with a nail file to "make them sharper"
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
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