I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!
ran into someone who graduated hs with us while i was paying for booze in quarters. i love it when people from my past catch me in my classier moments.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
So I cleaned the toilet last night at 2 am and woke up with pink eye. Never doing that again.
Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
Do you think next time you could control the yawn? Kind of a buzzkill to be mid-orgasm and see you yawning over there.
I thought I was heading girls talk. It was the toilet. Like put my ear to it
THE CEO RESPONDED TO THE MEMO WITH HIS "UNICORN" EMAIL ADDRESS AND NOW HE'S APOLOGIZING TO EVERYONE FOR USING HIS PERSONAL EMAIL AT WORK.
No more twerking this week. I think I dislocated a boob.
Thanks for being my pregnancy scare Sherpa...
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
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