I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
Every now and then I'll talk to a creeper for an extended amount of time. Randy, for instance, funded our entire night of horrible decisions.
dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high
worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave
nevermind....I'm on the way
Today was the day I stopped kidding myself and started buying the handle of vodka.
You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
Honestly, it's not that easy picking a Saturday night outfit that can translate to Palm Sunday mass. Priorities.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
On a brief change if topic, last night I dreamt I got shit faced with bill Nye the science guy and we went bar to bar and explained the science of alcohol to everyone who'd give us free drinks. We wore bow ties
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Justin has passed out on the toilet in a locked stall. Stay tuned for pics.
can jess come too?
sure! but I don't have enough booze for the both of you.
she comes with her own booze, no worries.
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