You know if a vagina was a face, it'd be ugly as hell...
She just squirted all over my face. then laughed at me and took a pic
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Terrible idea I love it
Grandma and I are gonna see the new Tarzan movie, because we both appreciate shirtless Swedish men
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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