Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
You've had your dick in my mouth. I don't think there are all that many barriers in our friendship at this point.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
I CAN'T DO THIS MUCH FABULOUS BEFORE LUNCHTIME
Do you count doing $200 of coke off his dick until 6am as a successful rekindling of our relationship or...
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Well I woke up naked, with a santa hat on, and a bag of beef jerky next to me. So yeah, I would say it was a pretty successful trolley
He woke me up because I was snoring and went for a second round. First time I'm happy that I snore
I walked into the bathroom and there's this 6'5" cop washing his hands. He looks at me and goes, "Heard you singing outside. Sound real pretty."
No more tequila EVER.
You're now part of the minority of friends who haven't seen my boobs.
It's a herpes check up not a beauty pageant
Randomize
