the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.
I want to hold her baby but I'm afraid I'll give it a contact buzz
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
On another note, convinced a 9 year old my hickey was actually a zombie bite.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
I think it really helped to be hungover at accepted students day. it gave me a good feel for how it would be everyday if I go there.
You can't just take out your bong for hits in public places... That's what pipes are for. You've got to be stealthier.
No, it's okay because this is the city of trees.
YOU'VE ALREADY BEEN BUSTED MORE THAN ONCE. THAT'S NOT A VALID EXCUSE FOR BONG HITS IN COFFEE GARDEN
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Shut the fuck up! I can hear you having sex over Pirates of the Caribbean you moaning whore.
Disregard everything I texted you last night. Oh, and disregard me hooking up with your boyfriend.
If I get my period the weekend your parents are gone i'm removing my uterus.
Randomize
