it seems as if every mistake i've ever made in life i've had an errection in one hand and a bud light in the other
got high and went straight for the Doritos. I'm some kind of walking cliche.
Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
She started snoring post sex, so I drunkenly walked 8 miles at 4am to go fishing. Please come pick me up
Not sure how but he broke three of his fingers while giving a blowjob. How does someone that accident prone survive to adulthood?
Well, I got drunk and told my family about what I expected sexually after a good first date.
He asked the waiter, at 6:40 am, drunk, if they served alcohol. After he said no, he's like 'well, I guess we can eat then.'
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
