Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
I am scared. I picture you doing a keg stand on a sinking ship with hula girls cheering you on. Please text me when you get back to shore...or now would be good
we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.
How are YOU going to look? Buying 40's on Christmas eve.
I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete
its not like i called off work either time for the purpose of tripping, it was more like well, i have nothing to do now today, there is acid and im only human.. but twice
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
I haven't even had my coffee yet and you're being slutastic
Ugh a 13 year old just asked me why people drink, I had to explain it without making it sound good. I need a drink.
There are no winners in a lube eating competition.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
Randomize
