Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
Situation: He got it in my eye, how long do I let it sting before should start to worry?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
As a general rule, drunkenness and gymnastics do not mix.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Please tell me you have Advil or Tylenol or ibuprofen or a fucking baseball bat
My brother slept till 4, bought a sword, got drunk and sharpened said sword. I went to corporate compliance training. Life is not fair.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
after we got done having sex, you rolled over and ask what your yelp review was. So yea I'm kinda mad.
I'm doing my drinking workout. 20 pushups for each beer I finish. I should write a fucking book
We saw the mini basketball hoop and unicycle and just knew we had to create a new sport
Drunk minds think alike
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