I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Fuck Sunday funday. Fuck real pants. Fuck the sun. Fuck Jameson. Fuck my life. Yes, I am hungover as shit sitting in my office eating bacon.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
I just watched a guy smoke weed through a French Horn. He is my hero
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
I want to tell you your future: you're going to be having sex
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Randomize
