I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
She bought my penis dinner and beer last night. Her words
Opened the browser on my phone to a web search for midget birth rates per capita. A good night.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
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