I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B
I'm pretty sure blacking out is a coping mechanism.
Judge me...This apron fits PERFECTLY when I have no clothes on
Who said I was judging? More like congratulating.
I did what any insensitive guy would do bought her friends shots and tried to fuck them
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
like, is this a date?? I'm sitting on his couch drinking a juice box while he makes taquitos in sweat pants
God damn you Coronavirus! I'm jonesing I got the itch. I would fully satisfy a horse for some Taco Bell or Perkins. God help me I'm going insane but I definitely don't want to get sick.
I am texting my ex and my future boyfriend while eating fish and chips with my current boyfriend... How and when did I become such a terrible person???
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