omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.
just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Winner winner, chicken dinner. I am the sole survivor of the orgy without strep. Or maybe I was the carrier?
She wanted to make popcorn, but the air-popper was broken. So she dumped the entire container of kernels into the clothes dryer. Drunk movie night was a success!
I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
I think it's time for tequila and I to go our separate ways
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Randomize
