a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
Had sex to a Lionel Richie song. I have a feeling I was conceived to it. Finally reached full circle.
Hold on. She's wrapped herself in toilet paper and is scaring the dog.
Too many margaritas?
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
Okay let's look at your past accomplishments you've done hungover... Sat great score, academic decathlon, state for track. I think you are solid to go out tonight
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
Lol yeah. Because I just woke him up to blow him for being hot.
The sex was totally worth how awkward its gonna be for the next few weeks
Isn't it funny how we're still best friends after that incident with the old lady in the bathroom
You fucking bailed on me. But I love you still
All right well I’m making her sugar cookies and sleeping with her husband tonight. Just another manic Monday
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