every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.
No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.
Got some good news and bad news about the hayride this weekend.
The good news is its still on, the bad news is we don't have any hay. The best news, if you drink enough you won't give a fuck that its just a trailer.
THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
So I hooked up with a guy with a mustache and woke up on a dragon futon underneath a dragon yin-tang tapestry... My life is spiraling in a weird way.
did you just say you're too stoned to fool around? okay we're over.
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
we're at the bar celebrating my ex bootycall getting his new gf pregnant... and me narrowly escaping a future as kitty foreman
Where'd you go?
Laundry, im. A responsible drunk
Randomize
