I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Good, be his mentor. Like a tiny gay Yoda.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Can't we just go back to fucking and having your boyfriend think you're completely straight?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
