I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
you traded sex for a burrito?
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
like seriously. this whole place is the shit. like i can move clouds. no other way to explain it but i can fucking move clouds.
The sound of my own breathing is making my head throb. That hungover.
YET AGAIN, my financial planning for 2013 consists MOSTLY of eating chipotle as "brain food" and drinking Heavily before the Jeopardy contestant test.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Sexting just isn't as much fun once you learn how bad he is in bed...
Randomize
