Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?
I'm sorry I peed on your everything.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
That moment when you cant decide between eating spaghetti or a Popsicle for breakfast
Oh my god did you actually lose a tooth
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I feel like there's def a learning curve to the sex swing
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
sam was dropping a deuce next to me. wrote me a note that said "glad we shared this experience." passed it under the wrong stall. the other guy picked it up. that's all I know so far.
So i dislocated my knee but still went home and fucked his brains out. Nothing gets in the way of my sex life. NOTHING.
Randomize