she's googling pictures of Freddy Mercury and whispering 'I'm ready'
you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
we were at work and Infront of the whole bar you yelled. "JAKE I WANNA GET FUCKED TONIGHT!" Us day drinking > everyone else
my hand froze to the top of can of beer cuz i fell asleep outside. i decided to find a way to open the bottom of the can before addressing my severe frostbite. PRIORITIES!
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
So who left their underwear on a lamppost in my aunt's backyard
I mean seriously, she can have his dick anytime and im over here salivating like a thirsty bitch.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
Just had to tell a NYC cop I was doing the Dougie in a houndstooth jumper so he could find me in the security video.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
