I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.
How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.
i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!
dude. im stealing that.
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Who told you he won a fight? He slammed his face into the ground while trying to do 11 push-ups
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