I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.
3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
She took a six hour road trip with me so I could have revenge sex with my ex's brother. That is the definition of a best friend.
I love this text stream: discussing the development of a business model centered around cooking acid to bankroll a yacht trip in Croatia
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
I need to wake up with a beard between my thighs more often, I'm a fucking saint.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
You gotta have 1 orgasm for me and the rest can be for you. I'm living vicariously through you 😂
Step 1: Buy a house Step 2: Turn bedroom into sex dungeon
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
Randomize
