My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
Went to the elf storage building to help him get his old dresser. Found his brother's stash in the drawer and ended up passed out w him on the mattress in there instead.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
The bathroom smells like ribs. What did you do?
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
yeah, never be friends with someone with shitty eyebrows.. they obviously already make poor life choices
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
Randomize
