so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
Lets trade lives
And i will lay in bed and piss all over everywhere, drink whiskey and have sex with married bears
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
they saw the dick pic he sent and started calling him 'subway'
Literally told everyone you're my idol cause you ate a chicken nugget off a sword
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
This will never work. His dick is smaller than mine.
Wow. And yours is kind of small.
RIGHT?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I would cock slap so many things if I had a cock.
Randomize
