i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Randomize
