i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?
but i have a bet that her boyfriend is going to try and deflower her tonight so i better get a move on if i want to videotape it
i'm gonna start putting 34DD under other qualifications on my bartender applications and see if that helps
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I just filled out my 2010 Census drunkenly. I'm single handedly throwing it off.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy
I still can't believe you had sex with someone who willingly went by Peaches.
You dont lie about slip and slides
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
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