My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
i have a girlfriend
if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?
no
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
I found ecstasy taped in my armpit... thank you drunk Marissa.
I just blocked a guy on grindr for having a little dick. See? I do have standards.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
i wear a size 32DD bra. its basically impossible for me to get a speeding ticket
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
I gave her the last ten dollars to my name and bitch comes back with a six pack of bud light and a pack of sour patch kids
woke up, covered in gummy bears, with a note that said "the gummy army won"
Randomize
