So I just opened the bag you gave me and those panties aren't mine...
oh
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
Is it weird that I want to have sex wearing my glasses and lab coat while having an actual scientific discussion?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
How have you been? I haven’t talked to you since you dyed your pubes.
My dog and I just went outside to pee together.
Randomize
