I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
i'm in hospital, i have an exam in 3 hours and the man in the cubicle next to me is doing a noisy poo. this has to get better.
Last night was def like the makeout party episode of full house
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
Okay I've seen like three girls walking around crying today. Weird?
everyone's regretting their thursdays.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
He has great taste in girls. I feel closer to my Eskimo sisters than my real sister...
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
Come on, will you just fuck him so we can watch Star Wars.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
The covid immunization shot lady also sold me a mondo bag of really good pot.
Randomize
