i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.
You don't know how badly I want to just hold you as a soup spoon holds a bisque
yeah, I'm getting gagged by the cock of fate
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Jealous. I want an iud. Maybe there's a late night bodega that'll insert one for me
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
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