she took her bra off and it was like the puppet strings had been dropped. her tits totally deflated.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
Your one and only job is to make sure I am on that bus tomorrow morning with no cat makeup on my face
i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth
There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.
That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.
she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.
Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~
You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
the quiet that you are hearing is a silent suggestion that you should go fuck yourself
Screaming "dámelo" at the bottle of scotch was definitely my best and worst moment of Cinco de Mayo 2015.
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
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