i feel sorry for the hotel staff that makes the bed after we have sex
Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..
I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"
im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
I woke up with a fake mustache stuck to my chest and I can't even hold down water.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?
Anything that comes outta your cooch is bound to be breathtaking
That could use a little rephrasing
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
best eviction party ever.
it wasn't an eviction party you asshole, you just happened to get yourself evicted during the party.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
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