You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.
I thought you wanted to talk?
What part of "Lets have angry sex" means I want to talk?
I have the starring role in a literal shit show.
my vagina is like this close to growling at me and leading me onto the nearest dance floor
make it buy you a drink first
I have someone saved in my phone as "This Hoe Ain'tit' Loyal" and I'm missing my superman boxers. Explain.
i just hope we're both dead or in prison at the same time
I knew it was you who came home last night because no one else would walk in at 3 am and start microwaving a burrito
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
