my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"
I wish I had a frozen water bed.
best. idea. ever.
He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.
yea, there's something about a stripper whipping you with your own belt that makes you think
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
he can suck his own dick, i cant compete with that
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
you should just get a floor plan of your dorm and start checking off rooms.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
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