I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too
your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me
He's only a freshman and he needs to expirence shit like that..
YOU would be the Freshman Expirence
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
Neighbour is sobbing. Difficult to masturbate.
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I'm tryna think of an appropriate time to say "when I suck other dicks they seem like training dicks compared to yours" but I really can't think of a good way to say that
I don't care how hot he is. I will not strip for him to country music.
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Randomize
