Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
I wish i had more things to dip in ranch... That's the most stoner thing i've ever said
After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.
even the AIR tastes like tequila.
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
not good my parents heard a big thud and found me passed out in the bathrrom abt an hr ago. hit my head arm and side. dont remember. real talk.
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
I'm sports announcer narrating myself making a sandwich. Your weed wins.
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
The cat was building a spaceship out of the carpet, my legs were cans of tomato sauce, and there was something else in that pot you gave me.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize
