i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
i caught a guy at work today stealing condoms. i let him go when i realized that they were extra small.
I feel like sober is me a distant relative that I only see on christmas..
this whole healthcare thing got me thinking.. without knowing it my parents are now going to be paying for my dealer to be able to live..
you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single
Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.
Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
Just got home, my brothers stoned and he got a high score on COD.. He just asked me if I wanted to have a celebrational yogurt with him. Wtf?
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
Randomize
