What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
shotgunning a bud heavy is like shotgunning a turkey sandwich
look, i may have sacrified a 20% assignment for a sprite. this is what hangovers do to me.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.
that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.
How did she break his doorknob?
That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Should I wish him a happy birthday?
Well he has been inside of you enough times that you probably should.
Randomize
