I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
I wish I could google chicago male strippers on my work computer but I don't feel like talking to HR today
I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
after the cops left he pulled the weed out of his ass and we smoked it
You should make it a point to use vocabulary that is competition appropriate around him, like "champion" and "training" and "victory sex"
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
"I vaguely remember the Health and Safety Inspector walking into my room this morning while I was passed out naked. That's one way to get it over with quickly."
I cannot be with a girl who won't let me come home on my lunch break, eat spicy ranch and watch Breaking Bad without pants on. #lesbianproblems
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Let's be real. I'm the Usain Bolt of running away after hookups. Fastest (wo)man alive.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
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