Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?
there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome
if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again
Is it penis luge time yet?
I was tripping so hard I was disappointed when I pulled back the shower curtain and shrek wasn't standing there
You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
Randomize
