But sometimes ur dick treats me better than u do
im goin to the NYE party with a tuxedo painted on my body. i know a girl who does it. wanna join?
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
Apparently I tried to convince him to sleep with me by showing him that I could do dips....
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
He practically cut off his thumb and she offered him a tampon to stop the bleeding
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
You shut your whore mouth, we don't talk about Drunk Nutella night.
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
I just bought spray paint, a T-shirt, and a box of magnum condoms. The cashier refused to make eye contact! Haha
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
Randomize
