So now everyone thinks I don't know what a condom is
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.
she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
Look. When I let you cum on my tits don't fuck it all up by going "SKEET SKEET SKEET" it just pisses me off.
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Congrats! Its a fuck boy!
Just wore the promise ring dad gave me freshman year of high school as a fake wedding band while I bought a pregnancy test. I think it's safe to say that's not what he had in mind with that gift 14 years ago.
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Randomize
