what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.
You said that last year...
some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Just got offered to exchange moonshine for manscaping services by a gay guy. I'm gonna have the smoothest back in St. Louis county.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
To my wonderful winter break booty calls: thank you for making this holiday season enjoyable. I look forward to seeing you boys again this summer.
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I stood in my living room with two beers in my hand asking these said beers if they were going to drink each other. I then insisted that I would drink them and chugged both. Happy Halloween.
He literally stole all the change that was on my floor and ran away while I was peeing. I have to rethink my standards.
Last night I tried to apply for a job at ihop. That drunk.
Randomize
