why wash my dick in the morning if you're not there to suck it?
We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.
I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
okay i am so sorry that i pulled a knife on you last night but seriously that woman knows how to throw a party.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I just fell off a roof. So I'm kinda chillin for a minute.
You gave your one night stand my number. I told him you left for your sex change an hour ago.
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
I'm just trying to win a butt plug dude
This is worse than naked and afraid. This is drunk and confused.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
I'm doing the walk of shame into my therapists office wearing his clothes...I guess go big or go home
We always have to do something together that tests the human limits of the body. Hopefully it has at least a 75% death rate.
Randomize
