My e-date is really photogenic. Real-life not so much
Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
By the way the awkward moment from yesterday is now a bad situation I have to figure out.
Thank you Grey Goose.
I just washed out an empty chocolate milk bottle to take whiskey on my bike ride.
You are not an adult
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
How the fuck can he download so much porn but not know how to find the Skype app?
There is a video on my phone of me suckling a bag of wine from your crotch area while you say "The Body of Christ" in a Michigan accent. I vaguely remember being offended by this yet I did it anyway.
Dude, naked camping ALWAYS takes precedence. I would skip my own funeral to go naked camping.
Um, It's tempting but I'm not into coke or farmers.
Randomize
