Im blasting "Fat Bottom Girls" as loud as humanely possible in attempts that old ladies doing water aerobics will take the hint and get the fuck out of the pool.
It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket
She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
Se wrote an essay in class about proper and fashionable winter wear for dogs. Of course I regret fucking her.
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
after sex he fell asleep with his water bottle in one hand and his dick in the other at 6pm. I'm a winner.
I'm just going to assume my unresponsive booty calls are just preparing for the women's march tomorrow
I got my period on eclipse day. I'm officially in line with the moon.
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
so i find a box of condoms inside my car with turn by turn directions to her bedroom... kinda freaked out cause she got my address and somehow inside my car
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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