Regardless, you never quit out of your interenet. You left your porn on the living room comp. Then you passed out four feet from the chair with your hand still down your pants. We decided that we should go back to her place instead. Worlds best wingman.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.
the doctor said its the kinda of pregnant you dont recover from
Just start grabbing cocks. It can't go wrong! Just say you thought you knew him and wanted to check.
She made out with the kickboxers bf. She was just asking to get kicked in the head. In the middle of the bar.
My dad just bought me a 40. I consider this our peace treaty.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
My law teacher drew an elephant on the board in class. I was so high that I laughed for 5 minutes straight. Nobody else laughed and everyone stared. 130 people knew I was high.
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