i felt like cinderella. except at midnight i turned back into a whore.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.
fuck. you.
The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
So i know i shouldnt being spending random large amnts of money...but i just bought a sword.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
Am I the only one who saw the used condom in the driveway this morning
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
This place is a maelstrom of dicks.
I mean as in stuck up bastards, not actual, desirable male genitalia. My point is, come pick me up fast, please!
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
Randomize
