dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Glad I put on jeans. You could measure my ass sweat with a rain guage.
I was wondering, is there any way to hook up a lawn hose to a keg?
I have made the descision to sacrifice the first of my family's dogs that wakes me before noon tomorrow. I may quickly become the family outcast
you know it was a successful halloween when you wake up and have a firecracker in your tits
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Free stuff before I even put his balls in my mouth like wow great start
I ended up sleeping on a park bench. Never using Tinder again.
at least he now gets to tell people how he once threw a party so epic that the next day they had to clean some girl's body paint off the ceiling
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
I wet willied a stranger last night didn’t I?
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
Randomize