how the fuck am i supposed to make breakfast with spaghettios and mustard
And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?
That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence
Eating hibachi. The chef is squirting sake into my mouth with a ketchup bottle. Happened twice, more to come.
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.
I don't know what to tell you, usually I would just ask if they'd like to meet the captain. If you can't get laid it's your problem.
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I tipped him really well because I feel he knew we were high, but did it in a non judgemental way.
She showed me her tits outside Taco Bell....After she flashed the dude working there in an effort to get in.
I woke up at 3:30 this morning to pee. Luckily, I didn't have to travel far as I was asleep in my CLOSET on my yoga mat. Good news is I had a pillow...
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
