Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
I am growing concerned with the number of people here in cowboy hats
dont get mad but guess who just got banned for life from dodger stadium
he fucked my hip out of place.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
He told me "it wants a kiss" WHY HAS THIS HAPPENED WITH 2 DIFFERENT PEOPLE.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
okay yeah but you've seen me eat jambalaya naked
I think it's time to give up this life and become vikings. You in?
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
Okay, this next statement may sound like a red flag but I'm tellin you, shotgunning those two beers really helped me love my child more effectively. Honest.
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Randomize
