I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.
you turned your livingroom into a bong?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Saying he's good in bed would be like saying Soulja Boy is a good rapper, completely unlogical if you've heard him.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility
he fell asleep like an hour after we got to the beach, he deserved that penis shaped sunburn.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I just look @ having a child spit on you as another form of birth control. I think my ovaries just tied themselves in a knot.
I just sent Brandon a snapchat where I wasn't wearing a shirt but had a rooster drawn on my boobs that said "cock block" and laughed for 10 minutes I have problems don't judge me
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I lose my morals, my dignity, and my selfie stick :(
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
if being 21 means slamming 99 cent margaritas at 3:00 in the afternoon on a Tuesday then call me Peter Pan IM NEVER GROWING UP
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