I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
my dad came in to wish me a happy birthday and found me passed out in my underwear with the lights on and a plate of meat on the bed. i bet he was proud to have contributed to my creation in that moment.
Stop it. You sound like you're giving birth.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I still don't understand if he's using me to write his resume or if we're dating
How do you say, "I love you, but i prefer sex with someone else." in a good way? Ponder that over a jack and coke and get back to me.
I don’t have the time, patience, or blood alcohol level to deal with her.
Dude just saw some some guy puke out of a car window on the highway going to school.
I know her cup size but not her name....
Randomize
