First thing I heard on the radio when I got in the car: "humans and dinosaurs used to live happily together"... I need to stop listening to Christian radio...
i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury
We are two peas in an std pod
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
No...this little piggys going to the bar
It's just not a Friday night unless I'm getting propositioned by a guy in a wheelchair via Facebook messenger...
One of those days. Also, your pants are now in my protective custody.
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
Are you alone?
No, but I have to leave him in my bed while I go on this date.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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