the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.
He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.
he cancelled our romantic dinner reservations so we could stay home and watch a Rocky movie marathon and order pizza. i know i should be upset but i think i'm kinda in love.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Fell asleep on kitchen floor again, chicken nuggets everywhere.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Woke up at my x's house. He said I talked about how much I love panda's for fourty five minutes. Then made him watch The Little Mermaid with me. Made the walk of shame infront of his mom. Things can only really go up from here.
Wait till you get home.
Randomize