Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
You're the only person I know who could blow literal chunks, laugh about it, then proceed to shotgun another beer. Love you champ.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
You were making out w/ur brothers coach against a door when someone opened it and you both fell through... Then you continued to make out on the ground
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
YOU CANT JUST BLOW GUYS BC THEY’RE NICE TO YOU LEXI
I CAN IF I WANT TO
THERE ARE NO EMOJIS TO SHOW MY SEXUAL FRUSTRATION
My New Year's resolution consists of less weekday hangovers, more sex, and more money.
Randomize
