just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
i might even pee on it at walmart i am so nervous
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
He put used condom on the handle of the plunger in the bathroom.
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
I don't save the phone numbers of guys I don't like. That way it's a surprise when a random number texts me and tells me I have great tits.
It's a drunk scavenger hunt.
Everything on the list counts for double points if done naked.
If you're mature enough to fuck him you're mature enough to tell him you don't want a relationship come on
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
Randomize
