Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
Great. I get laid, Leslie Nielsen dies. I can't have have sex anymore, the film community can't take another loss like this.
She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..
Today marks the 365th consecutive day of jerkin it. I couldn't have done it without you guys. #onlynewyearsresolutionaccomplished
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
He bought you footie pajamas. Shit's pretty serious.
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
There is a drunken, assless white chick here at this bar wearing a shirt that says "REAL WOMEN TWERK FOR JESUS". I have officially had it with our generation.
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
I've decided to become a librarian so I can drunkenly quote The Mummy and have it be legit.
Remember when I made out with that stranger at the bar on my 21 in chicago? I wonder how he's doing
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
Randomize
