I told him it was like a man's penis, but smaller.
my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall
I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
I think I've been inadvertently participating in a contest to see how many times I can show up to work hungover in my first year of teaching. And I'm the only participant. Not sure if I'm winning or losing.
Video on mandys page of you drinking upside down was finally put up...too bad all the comments were about me and him fighting in the background while he screamed "BLOW BIG BETSY!'
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
