Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant
Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
I don't know what you're doing, but there's a dragon on my street.
Dude I still wanna know who I had sex with on new years eve
It was worth having to clean the cum stains out of the carpet.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt
There is a reason for guards on beard trimmers I just clipped a wrinkle on my sack so much blood
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
Totally. Bang on. He'll be fine. He might cry into your perfect tits once in a while, but that's the price ya pay.
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
I know but we're going to blackout city so it'll probably be warm there
I really love you gals. I'm sorry again. I'm just super protective of my poutine
And with one simple text you can separate the men from the boys...."it's that time of the month."
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