She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
Oh if I trust ANYTHING about you it's your ability to lead a douchebag around by the dick
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
My boss doesn't know what jello shots are. I've lost faith in this company.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
You ran up to my room. I was naked. You refused to leave without drugs. I love you.
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