seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with
Well said.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.
i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.
Two things: Why did I wake up in a pool of blood? And am I still invited to the wedding?
No idea. And yes be here at 4
Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.
Is it weird to say that Kobe reminds me of a wise brontosaurus?
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There are days when you go to throw something in your bedroom trash can and realize the only things in there are a used condom, a Lime-arita can and a muffin wrapper.
I'm pretty sure I lit a prostitute's cigarette while sharing a pizza with a homeless guy last night
apparently I like to do this thing where I wear pretty dresses and then pee on things on public. Picture proof. Four times last week.
I really need to get to the point where I can poop at his house. I’ve taken three shits on the way home already.
The cop was standing next to me when I texted "haha" to your phone...didn't realize that he had taken it already...
Randomize
