my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
You don't think I'm weird or immature right?
No I think it's cute we had sex on your Bob the Builder sheets
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I don't know anybody that can get the cops to drive them back to the bar after being pulled out of a tree
it happenes
I deserve to be covered in dicks
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
i woke up in just my thong, face first on my bed with all the lights on. how hungover do you think i felt?
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
have you ever tried to puke in an automatic flushing toilet? impossible
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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