If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
yeah after seeing those pics of her puking into my underwear drawer i remembered again why i didn't want to invite her.
you didn't check your sock drawer yet did you
Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I feel like the other woman.
You ARE the other woman.
Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES
YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Randomize
