so i just saw your dad embarking upon a biking journey in full reflective gear
...this stays between you and me
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I can't let him end my perfect streak. HE USED TO BE FAT
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
You are COMPLAINING that the sex was too good. You're not getting any sympathy from me
Within the span of 10 minutes, I managed to make a slip 'n slide on his stomach, threatened to pee on him, kneed myself in the eye, and almost fell asleep on the toilet....in that order.
Wikipedia just saved you three hours and $30 on a bar tab. You should donate.
$5. Donated.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
i was asked to be gay of honor by three different girls and NONE of the groomsmen at any of the weddings is open to experimenting. i mean whats the point then.
Well, I guess my plans of staying around the apartment and drinking my weight in boxed wine are ruined. I have a date tonight.
HE'S FUCKING 19 YEARS OLD, HE CAN'T EVEN GET INTO A BAR WITH ME, WHAT MAKES YOU THINK I'LL LET HIM IN MY PANTS?!
Randomize
