the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Sometimes I look at dogs and just thing about how it's weird we both came from wolves
Lay off the drugs kid
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
How naked do you want me to be?
We can use the Mac n cheese as the potatoes in our breakfast burritos. Problem solved.
Randomize